Recently, I came out of a grocery store on a cold, rainy day and realized I didn't know where I had parked my car. My first reaction was to call myself stupid.

That was my critical, wrong mind, and it had the effect of temporarily shutting down my brain and making me feel like a fool. A bit later I woke up and rejected what my wrong mind "said."

I decided to shift to my right mind. It told me: "Calm down. Take a deep breath and look around. Maybe you'll spot it. Think back to when you parked. Where were you?" That's when I remembered and spotted the car.

All of us talk to ourselves. We do it in our heads. Every thought we have is the way we privately talk to ourselves. When something upsetting happens, the question isn't whether or not we talk to ourselves. It's how we talk to ourselves.

Many people are much harsher with themselves than they are with others. They just can't let themselves off the hook. What about you? Do you run yourself down, going over and over a mistake you made, or do you cut yourself some slack? Are you able to let it go at some point? Do you blame and condemn yourself for not being perfect, or do you encourage yourself and give yourself the same empathy you would probably give someone else? When you really blow it, are you able to forgive yourself at some point and move on?

Here are three ways you harm yourself with negative self-talk.

Blaming and judging. Continuously focusing your mind on what others have said and done doesn't help you much and doesn't change anything. But it's even worse if you've put yourself in the crosshairs. It often leads to more unhelpful complications.

Giving in to fear and anxiety. There are plenty of things to worry about, but how does it help to burden your mind with what might happen in the future? Being obsessed with problems that could occur takes your attention away from what you could be doing right now.

Living in self-scold mode. It's not a lot of fun being around people who constantly criticize and put themselves down. It's even worse for you if you are the one doing it to yourself.

All three of these ways of talking to yourself can become serious self-destructive habits. Many of us were raised to believe that these habits served to atone for our misdeeds and mistakes. Many of the adults I knew as a child talked to themselves out loud in these ways. They weren't very self-accepting. Without even realizing it, I developed the same habits through unconscious imitation. Now I'm seeing things differently. Studies have shown that these habits can lead to physical illness, like heart disease, and mental and emotional illness like depression.

Let's consider three ways to break the negative self-talk habit.

Self-honesty. The moment you realize your wrong mind is running you down, wake yourself up and tell yourself the truth about what's going on in your head. Breathe deeply and decide to flip the negative thought to a helpful, positive one.

Stay in the present. Allow yourself to feel what you feel moment to moment. The feelings will only pop up later if you deny them now. Don't dwell on negative thoughts about past hurts and mistakes that bring on resentment and guilt. Don't allow fearful thoughts about what might happen in the future to dominate your mind.

Repeat helpful affirmations. Here are a few to try out:

• My first thought didn't help. Now, I'm thinking (name something useful).
• I made a mistake. It teaches me (identify something).
• I forgive myself for goofing up.
• I lift myself up by the way I talk to myself. I don't drag myself down.

Gerry Dunne, PhD, is a psychologist and author of the book "Anger Without Guilt: Anger Management Begins Within." To return to our home page, click: Anger Without Guilt home page. To arrange an appointment, Email us at: dr.gerrydunne@gmail.com.